Secrets Every Woman Keeps From Her Man
All her naked, sexy (and a little scary) truths revealed

By: Kathryn Eisman

The woman you sleep with gazes into your eyes and tells you she loves you. And you believe her. You can tell by the way she looks at you, the way she holds you, the way she seems to always know what you want before you do. There are a couple of things in life you just know, and love and this naked woman are two of them. But there are a lot of things you don't know. A woman may give you her body and her heart, but there are parts that she'll never give up. Pieces woven into the very fiber of her being. Mysteries only hinted at in a passing sly smile, an inscrutable laugh. These are the secrets of lovers past, hidden fantasies, and unshared longings. A woman's deepest secrets that don't -- and never will -- include you. You're about to sample this hidden knowledge. But like any man who seeks, you'd better be prepared for what you're about to find.

1) My best friend knows everything. She knows all of your vitals -- from the size of your bank account to the size of your other, um, holdings -- and she knows how both compare with those of every other man I've ever dated. I have done a hand-comparison measurement so I can divulge size and girth with a high level of accuracy. When my friend smirks at you knowingly, you are not imagining it. She knows. So just know that she knows, and deal with it. (It's not going to change.) Ask her about me, or chat with her about our relationship, at your own risk. She will tell me. Even -- in fact, especially -- if she promises not to. This is not always a bad thing (e.g., if you happen to be telling her how much you love me). But, in general, remember that she is my confidante first, and yours never.

2) Just looking at your hands can turn me on.

3) When you go away, even for a day, I sleep in your favorite old T-shirt because it smells like you.

4) I'll never tell you exactly how many men I've slept with. No matter how sincere I appeared when I answered your question, chances are I wasn't. As an unscientific guideline, when a woman says she's slept with four men, the real number is actually closer to seven. Her fib is partly intentional (she doesn't want to appear a floozy), but mostly it's sexual amnesia. When a woman wants to pretend an encounter never occurred, she simply scraps the man from her official score sheet. Common excuses that lead to such an omission: The actual sex lasted only a few thrusts; or she was drunk or on the rebound.

5) I fantasized about being with you at least a dozen times before we actually first got naked.
6) I still think about my ex-boyfriends and compare them to you. Mostly you win. Sometimes not.

7) I have Googled your exes.

8) When I'm falling in love with you, I completely lose my appetite.

9) My body really isn't naturally this hairless and smooth all over. But I will never allow you to see any indication whatsoever of all the shaving, tweezing, waxing, exfoliating, and moisturizing that gets it this way.

10) I only appear to have it all together. My true organization (or lack thereof) is revealed in my closet, my makeup bag, my desk files.

11) I have discovered your porn stash and your frequently visited porn Web sites and think the things that turn you on are hilarious.

12) When I say, "I'm ready," I'll need exactly 7 more minutes to get ready. Don't try to cheat the system by showing up 7 minutes later; I will still need an extra 7 minutes.

13) When I say, "I'll meet you in 15 minutes," I mean I will leave in 15 minutes, and thus won't actually arrive for at least 30 (but probably more like 40).

14) You've made me cry more times than you'll ever know.

15) I obsess about when you're going to call me again. The period of time between our first date and your "Thanks for a great night; when can I see you again?" always seems stretched into slow motion. So don't worry about looking too eager. Call. Even if you only wait until noon the day after, it will feel like a lifetime to me. And don't send me an e-mail unless you want me to put you in the figurative trash can along with your message.

16) I want you to talk a little dirty.

17) At the beginning of our relationship, I save all of your voice mails and listen to them (and make my friends listen, too), repeatedly.

18) I might wear granny underwear and purposely not shave my legs because I like you. As crazy as it sounds, the more I like you, the less likely I am to sleep with you on an early date, because I don't want to sabotage having a "proper" relationship with you. So I just might purposely hunt out the ugliest underwear in my drawer and not shave my legs -- all to prevent myself from getting naked with you too soon. Sometimes I might get a little tipsy or carried away, and this plan will backfire.

19) I split the cost of my fashion purchases over two or more credit cards, so you don't notice the gargantuan deficit.

20) I'm constantly testing you. I observe, analyze, and judge every action, word, gesture, e-mail, and facial expression. When I ask you if you want to have a threesome, I don't mean it. If you want me to speak to you again, let alone sleep with you after this conversation, the answer should always be, "Why would I want to sleep with another woman when I have you?"

21) I check out your butt every time you leave the room.

22) I need constant indications that you want me around. That's why it's better, for example, to say, "I want you to come away with me for the weekend. Could you come with me?" than to ask, "What are you up to this weekend?"

23) I love it when you get a little jealous. So if you ever see me flirting in front of you with the waiter, the bus driver, or another guy at a party, know I'm actually flirting with you -- through him.

24) Even though I may complain that I don't see you enough (or that you work too hard), I find nothing sexier than watching you put on a suit in the morning and rush off to work.

25) I start fights with you because I'm feeling ignored. I'm trying to force emotion out of you. Don't retreat into your cave; just give me what I want: some attention. And never tell me to "calm down," unless you want to guarantee that I absolutely won't.

26) Even if I insist on paying or splitting the bill on our first date, I'll think you're cheap if you let me.

27) I may find your best friend repulsive, but I've fantasized about sleeping with him. Not because I want him, but because I want a piece of a guy who is so close to you.

28) If I'm going to break up with you, all of my friends know way before you do. I've been talking about it for 2 weeks.

29) When we do break up, I put all photographs of you and mementos of our relationship in a shoe box and store it in my closet. Just in case I get nostalgic. Just in case you come back.

30) I want you to take control in bed. Yes, I have a successful career, I'm financially independent, I live on my own, and I don't need a man to make me happy (in theory). I still want you to pick me up, carry me to the bedroom, and take without asking.

Women are F******CKED.

Here's a mans list.

1. He may tell you he loves you, misses you or only wants you. But he really just wants to get his cock wet and you are the closest and easiest calculated pune around.

2. The Love Test: The SECOND a man is done having sex, he has a small window of opportunity. He has approximately 30 seconds to ask and answer the question, "Do I still want her here?"

Every girl I've been with has failed miserably. I've never really gotten much farther then this so I guess my list is just 2 points long.

I'm with Tim on this one..

Eric... you would be..

My girlfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years.... can't say it's been anything short of spectacular....

.... but I still don't understand WOMEN.

ROOKIES.
HA ha ha!!!

Okay.
Now I know this whole list is supposed to be funny, but to be honest, I am still surprised to find guys out there who don't "get it" and actually think such a list is totally serious.

While some of the points have some degree of merit, a lot of it is indicative of the "modern 'Friends' -era" woman.

Guys, if your wife/girlfriend discusses the details of your life, as per point number one, this is simply not cool.
The girl is a petty, classless whore of the lowest caliber.
It's not charming and should not be excused, it's just bad behavior.

The whole article reeks of the typical garbage you find in Cosmoo or any rag of that type.
A true lady wouldn't behave as this article suggests.
Again, some of it has some truth, like number 3) which is cute and endearing. However, a lot of it is selfish, shallow and childish and not the kind of asinine behavior you want to be stuck with.

Again, perhaps this response is too serious for this thread, but I offer it as a PSA for some fella's.
Seriously.
It pains me when I meet guys who, even at my age, are so whipped and emasculated because their wives/girlfriends based their whole persona on every episode of Sex and the City.
Yes, women can be complicated, but there's a difference between "complicated" and "stupid whore with low self esteem, and deep rooted psychological issues"

Haha hey Dan relax. You must be happily married because you better half puts up with all your toys so consider yourself a lucky man. Honestly I find most North American women women annoying as the young ones are Paris Hilton/Britney wannabees and the older ones are looking for sperm donors with a big paycheque. Thats why I had to go Turkish, beautiful exotic and appreciates her man. In the end you basically get what you give.

Here is a humorous mans view response:

The Man's View - We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. You can handle it. We need it up; you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon. Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every questions.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask.

1. If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing is wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect and answer you don't want to hear.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.

Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.

Rule #1 is right on the money...
I just pee on the seat. You're getting your ass wet either way

Yes yes... Man's rules...

One thing women have over men however... is "The Look". You know "The Look". You get it when you screw up, when she screws up and is blaming you, when you make a wrong decision, when you make a bad comment about how you're afraid she is going to turn out like your mother-in-law, and dread the thought of sleeping with a woman who has all those multi-colored veins in her legs...

The Look. It's powerful... It could weld titanium if the power was harnessed... It's kind of like a Chuck Norris Roundhouse kick straight to the heart... except done with her eyes....

So how do you and my ex know each other?

LOL Kevin.

Sadly, this type of bitch is far too common.
Jerry summed it up pretty concisely.

Always remember:



Yes, I am happily married, and have been for 7 years.
My wife is living proof that real ladies of virtue and good sense still exist, and every day I am thankful I wound up with her, and not some stupid self indulgent high mileage whore with a chip on her shoulder and truck load of baggage.

Dan,

You make me feel like I'm not alone. Thank you.

Tim

BTW - Great picture. It got saved.